Oftentimes on social media, I’ll hear from people who are less than thrilled with things I’ve said. And when I hear from them, they do their level best to try to convince me that I’m angry, that my anger has resulted in them becoming angry, that I’m the one who is the source of all their frustration, that I used to be one person (a kinder, gentler person who agreed with them and parroted their favorite talking points back to them) and now I have changed into an evil, overly emotional person who is angry all the time and never says or does anything productive.
Here’s what actually happened: I said something they didn’t like, it pissed them off, and they didn’t want to take responsibility for their own emotions, so they projected them onto me. They feel angry, and so I must be angry. They are acting overly emotional, and so I must be overly emotional. In their eyes, I must be to blame for their anger. Otherwise, they would have to blame the person they see in the mirror…and we can’t have that!
When this happens, I tend to sit back with a sort of amusement at the idea that a statement from me - a stranger - can cause anyone that much anger. Why should it? If they don’t agree with me, there is no reason to be angry. I’m just a rando on the internet. When people say things I disagree with, I generally just keep scrolling and maybe mutter “idiot” to myself…but I don’t send them a message or a litany of tweets telling them they’re an angry horrible person that has changed so much since I started following them. That would be stupid. It accomplishes nothing.
Every excuse the person makes for why they were triggered is nothing more than an excuse to deflect from taking responsibility for their own emotions. After all, we only get triggered when there is truth.
They’re not triggered because they know I’m wrong.
They’re triggered because they know I’m right…and don’t want to admit it.
Let me show you how this plays out.
Here is an example of one such dialogue that took place over Instagram recently. I’ve protected the identity of the triggered because they’re just an average person. I only do public profiles of public people.
I had posted a video discussing the public schools asserting that if we got rid of all credentialed teachers in schools and replaced them with average Joe’s off the street to teach kids how to function in the real world, we would probably be better off.
Well, this angered one of my followers, a woman I had never spoken with before, and she unloaded on me in my messages. Over the course of several days, here’s how the conversation unfolded.
It may seem that I’m making fun of this woman in the course of this. That’s not the intention. The intention is to illustrate how these behaviors play out and their true underlying causes, and doing so works best with a live example. If you understand what’s happening and why it’s happening, you can help you learn from her mistakes.
So, even though she ADMITS to being emotionally invested in her message (thus, she is the one who was triggered), she continues to blame me for her anger.
Now, of course, there is no point in pointing this woman to any number of resources I have that would back up my opinion. Triggered is not a logical state of mind - it’s not a state of mind that is remotely close to having a nuanced conversation or able to analyze rational information.
So, instead, I offered a flip remark that I knew would trigger her more.
Now, some might argue that’s a cruel thing to do. They would say “you’re a psychologist! How dare you!” as they clutch their pearls for maximum effect.
I disagree that it’s cruel for a few reasons:
Relief from the burden of taking responsibility for other people’s emotions is one of the greatest gifts you can give to yourself. This woman’s emotions are not my responsibility. They are her responsibility. And no matter how much she wants to try to emotionally manipulate me (either consciously or subconsciously) to make me believe they are my responsibility, they are not.
Triggering people is fun, and if you’re going to slide into my DMs with a nasty tirade, then I’m going to put you on the list of people who need to be triggered to make them more resilient. So, really, I’m doing her a favor.
There is nothing dangerous about this. I’m not insulting her. I’m not suggesting she harm herself. Artful trolling to provoke an emotional reaction is not the same thing as psychological abuse and torture, and we should stop pretending it is.
She messaged me a tirade! Get out of the kitchen if you can’t take the heat.
So, I replied.
This is one of the most common emotional manipulations people try on the internet: “I USED TO RESPECT YOU (until you said something I didn’t like and now I’m going to vilify you in every possible way to try to get you to admit that you’re wrong because if you’re wrong, that means I can dismiss the cognitive dissonance that I have about the thing you just said that triggered me so badly) BUT NOW I KNOW YOU’RE JUST A LIBERAL.”
The truth is that people like this never respected me. They simply used me as a person that said the talking points they wanted to hear at that time. I fed their confirmation bias, and they appreciated that. But they never respected me, or even cared to hear my opinions. And as soon as I say something they don’t like, they inevitably tell me that I’m just a liberal, proving again that they haven’t listened to much of what I’ve said for the past few years.
It’s important to have the presence of mind to understand what they want - this person is trying to position this as critical feedback to help me. But you should NEVER take advice from someone who does not have your best interest at heart. She’s not interested in helping me - she’s only feigning that interest in order to control me so I’ll just go back to saying the things she wants me to say.
If you have an audience, it is inevitable that your audience will try to control you at some point. Say what I want or else I’ll stop watching you! Well, the truth is that most of the people who do this have never been real supporters anyway. So, fuck ‘em! A view here and there, or even a $5/month subscription to a platform, is not a high enough price to compromise your integrity for.
The fact that they don’t like your words is a THEM problem, not a YOU problem. Treat them accordingly.
And so, I responded….perhaps a bit more patronizingly. But just because I was patronizing doesn’t mean it wasn’t the truth. And that triggered her even more.
This, of course, provided me with more evidence that this person was never a supporter of my work for several reasons. The most overt of which is that she asserted I needed to “get out of the city.”
I live in New Hampshire. I’m currently the Libertarian Party of New Hampshire nominee for Governor of New Hampshire. Everyone who watches me knows I live in New Hampshire.
There are no cities in New Hampshire. And, even if you could make the case that Manchester and Nashua are cities, I don’t live in either of those.
But the bigger question is this: Why did this person care so much about proving that she deserved her teacher’s license to me? Why was it so important to her that I see her as a “good” teacher?
The answer is simple: She doesn’t see herself as a good teacher and knows (whether she admits it or not) that she’s not doing enough to fight back.
But she doesn’t want to admit that to herself. It’s far easier for her to lash out at me than it is to look herself in the mirror and be honest about what’s going on.
If she believed in herself and what she was doing, then why would it matter to her that I made a video saying that average people off the street would be more capable than licensed teachers?
And we know it matters to her because she’s spent considerable energy telling me off at this point, all to hide her true motivations.
And so, I told her so.
Again, she responds trying to prove her bona fides to me. And if I know nothing about what’s going on in schools, as she asserts, than why would she care what I think?
I’m positive this woman has done nothing but comment on the internet. She’s not the savior of her profession. More likely she’s a meek woman who will never speak up in real life, which both angers and frustrates her, and takes her anger and frustration out on strangers on the internet because it’s easier.
A much better strategy would be to build up her own personal power so that people on the internet don’t have this type of impact on her. Alas, that’s not where we are now.
And we end with her repeating the same old insults (this is a script she’s probably used with others as well) and declaring that I’m the problem when she’s the one who’s been ranting in my inbox for days on end. She, of course, is innocent in her eyes. The savior of education. The only rational voice in the conversation.
Sure.
The truth is she got triggered, didn’t want to own up to it, and then proceeded to trigger herself far more than I ever could if she wasn’t lobbing me softball after softball to do it.
You got hit in the feels. Own it.
What’s really happening when I trigger people is that I’ve expressed an opinion that hits them right in the feels and they blame me for their emotional reaction because they don’t want to take responsibility for it themselves.
It’s significantly easier to blame someone else for your anger than to take responsibility for your emotions. It’s especially easy when you’re blaming someone you don’t know (say, a person on the internet) because there is no consequence for you in blaming that person. You may even convince yourself that person deserves it because they have a perceived platform. If people follow them, then they MUST be responsible for the emotions of all their followers!
But the truth is that no one is responsible for your emotions except for you, and the sooner you learn that, the less likely you are to be triggered by what others say (especially people on the internet).
That is what this lesson is designed to teach:
If you’re comfortable with yourself and your beliefs, then nothing anyone says or does can fuck with you.
It’s only when you abdicate your responsibility for owning your emotions does the trigger take over and cause you to behave emotionally and (oftentimes) irrationally.
If something triggers you, stop. Breathe. Take a moment to figure out why you want to lash out emotionally. What are you REALLY upset about? If you’re upset about what this person has said, then take a moment to work it out. But if you lash out, that just proves you haven’t done the work of owning your emotions.